Tourette's Breakdown Part 2. I'm gonna make this quick so I can get back to watching "Lock, Stock, and Two Smoking Barrels." Ok, so I'm watching "Deliverance." I enjoy Jon Voight and banjo music, and there's only ONE place to go for that combo. Here goes:
1. I'm pretty confident that ShamWows are made of nothing more than Tom Selleck's chest hair. How else could they be so absorbant?
2. More on ShamWows--"The Germans always make good stuff." Really? Always? I think any Jew alive in the 1940's would beg to differ...
3. Most people find the Olsen Twins hard to tell apart. Not me. Here's my way of differentiating one Lemur Sister from another--Mary-Kate is the one with HEATH LEDGER'S BLOOD ON HER HANDS. Simple.
4. I envision the ULTIMATE sitcom : one whose entire cast is made up of annoying best friends/sidekicks from previous sitcoms. Including: Theo Huxtable's mischievious pal Cockroach, the "man, the myth, the a-hole" Screech Powers, the adorably unhygenic Kimmy Gibbler, Family Ties' surely half-tarded neighbor Skippy, John Ritter's clingy and borderline creepy buddy from Three's Company, and OF COURSE, the always dependable best friend of Growing Pains' Mike Seaver, the aptly named Boner.
(note: out of five blogs, I've name-checked Kimmy Gibbler in two. Just giving you an idea of the kind've thing you're reading here...)
5. The city is safer than the suburbs, and let me tell you why. If you're going to get killed in the city, let's face it, it's going to be at the hands of a rejected member of the G-Unit right there outside the Dunkin Donuts. No warning, just shooting. Done and done. Now if you're going to be killed in the suburbs, it's going to be at the hands of a little league coach that secretly sits outside the high school to watch the boy's track team do laps in their shorty-shorts. You'll be taken to his basement/dungeon where you'll be hanged by your toenails for months at a time, your nipples being made into his own personal eye-patches, begging for the sweet release of the battery acid bubble bath that he'll force you to take on your last day. These suburban people are NUTS. City it is for me.
6. I don't understand why doctors tell patients of near-death experiences that they're "very lucky." No, "very lucky" would have been not having your face torn off by the bobcat in the first place.
7. Starburst : The Juice is Loose. Go ahead, cut open a Starburst. No juice to speak of. You're being marketed your own saliva. Yeah.
8. I can't think of eight. I'm not a machine. I'm no Stone Phillips...
Seacrest out.
Quote for Today: "We learned more from a 3-minute record than we ever learned in school."
- Bruce Springsteen - "Bobby Jean"
Current Listening: PJ Harvey - White Chalk
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